Uncatagorifiable One Liners
The plural of anecdote is not data.Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in, but only one works.
You have only one advantage over me... you can kiss my ass, and I can't.
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
Some Mistakes Are Too Funny To Make Just Once
God Made Men First, Then He Had A Better Idea.
Your nose is the scenter of your face.
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
I'm not going to worry about X until you tell me Y.
Parenthood is the most fun you'll ever have in Hell.
I'm in a sea of troubles and a cat is my lifeboat.
I'd kick the devil in the jimmies for a glass of water.
Your promise isn't worth half a cat.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
It's easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle if he's been through a blender first.
They never shut up on his planet.
You smell like a dead cow on a Louisiana highway.
There's a fine line between clever and stupid.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people.
I couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Of everything you could have said, that was one thing.
She fell out of the ugly tree - and hit every branch on the way down.
Wherever you go... there you are.
I'm getting so absent-minded that sometimes right in the middle of a sentence I...
Did someone have tee many martoonies?
How many times do you suppose I could hit you on the head with this hammer before you say the word "skadiddle"?
Don't get me wrong, I love my job - it's just that I'm the one here doing it that pisses me off.
I'm busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its poop on a frozen pond, so what do you want?
My sphinchter swells with joy.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I've been moving more fluids today than Moses at the Red Sea.
Where's the bathroom? I gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
Dear God, please save me from your followers.
If you were any stupider... well... scratch that. You couldn't be.
I've got to go #2 so bad that I feel like the little white cap on top of a great big brown 2 liter bottle of coke that somebody's been shaking for an hour.
I feel like I stubbed my head.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate Motherf***ers
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't even blow your own nose.
I feel like I was eaten by a wolf and crapped off a cliff.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'm so hungry Sally Struthers is going to do a commercial on me in about fifteen minutes.
I'm as tired as Smurfette after a Viagra party.
You're dumber than a bag of hammers.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
It's hotter than the Devil's butthole out here.
My head feels like it wants to bust open.
You suck so hard you bend light.
I'm busier than a one-armed sewer scrubber.
Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip.
I'm so mad I could crap kittens.
I'm so hungry I could eat the southbound end of a northbound mule.